RE: The Donut Friday Debacle

This is why we can’t have nice things.

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This satirical column is part of our series The Break Room. Each column takes a humorous look at an aspect of the workplace. All the characters and scenes are fictional.

Date: August 15
Subj: Donut Friday!

Good morning team! For many years I’ve had a personal habit of treating myself to a donut every Friday morning. I always thought of it as a nice way to reward myself for a hard week’s work, and begin to usher in the pleasures of the upcoming weekend.

Now, I’d like to share this tradition with all of you. You’ve done great work this week, as usual. And you deserve a donut. You can expect them every Friday morning going forward as a simple token of our appreciation for all your hard work. I hope you enjoy them!

Date: September 7
Subj: Donut Friday Reminders 

Hello everyone. I hope you’ve been enjoying Donut Fridays thus far. A few issues have arisen that I’d like to address briefly here:

  1. Many of our team members are reluctant to eat entire donuts. While it’s perfectly fine to cut the donuts in half, or even quarters, we’ve had reports of donuts being cut into eighths which, in my judgment, is taking things too far. Especially as the donut dividers are often seen returning to the donuts over and over, eventually eating eight or even more donut pieces. As the ancient Greeks would say, “Know Thyself,” and serve yourself accordingly.
  2. On the flipside, a few of our less health-conscious staff members seem to be cruising through upwards of five or six donuts every Friday, and the donut supply has been running out earlier and earlier each week. Now, I know what you’re thinking: If the people from category one don’t want whole donuts, it should all come out even. But I’d encourage everyone to exercise reasonable self-restraint, especially in the early hours of Donut Friday, so that everyone can enjoy their favorite donut at their leisure.

Thanks in advance for making sure Donut Friday is enjoyable for everyone!

Date: October 12
Subj: Changes to Donut Friday 

Some of you have expressed a desire for something more substantial on Friday mornings. While I initially intended the donuts to be more of a treat and less of a breakfast, this was misguided on my part and as CEO I take full responsibility.

I realize now that many of you have been relying on the donuts to sustain you until lunch time. This leaves the more tentative eighth-of-a-donut eaters nearly fainting from hunger, while the half-dozen-donut-hoarders have a hardcore sugar-crash.

After consulting with the Donut Friday Improvement Exploration Committee we’ve decided to change Donut Friday to Bagel Friday, to offer a bit heartier treat that can act as breakfast if you so choose.

Enjoy the bagels, and have a great weekend!


Date: October 27
Subj: Bagel Friday Update 

I’d like to start with an apology: I had not taken dietary restrictions into account when planning Donut or Bagel Friday. This was an oversight on my part, and I’m sorry. Starting today we’ll be offering Gluten-Free Bagels along with our usual bagels. These little miracles of science should provide a great option for our Gluten-Free Friends.

Date November 10
Subj: RE: Bagel Friday Update

We’ve been alerted to the possibility that the regular bagels are contaminating the gluten free bagels by putting fine gluten particles into the air. So from now on our Gluten-Free Bagel Fridays will be held on the second floor, while Gluten-Positive Bagel Fridays will be held on the fourth floor. Thank you.

We’ve heard your requests for a “Paleo” option and a “Whole 30” option alongside our gluten-free bagels. We’ve also heard feedback that the gluten-free folks feel left out down on the second floor.

Date: November 17
Subj: More changes to Bagel Friday

We’ve heard your requests for a “Paleo” option and a “Whole 30” option alongside our gluten-free bagels. We’ve also heard feedback that the gluten-free folks feel left out down on the second floor.

So this week Bagel Friday will officially change to Quinoa-Kale Salad Fridays. While personally this did not strike me as something people would or should eat in the morning, I’ve been assured  that this is considered a breakfast, and a healthy one too. I hope it will give us a boost each Friday to help us power through the final day of the week!

Date: December 2
Subj: Bagel Friday Concerns

We’ve received a number of complaints about the odor of the quinoa-kale salad getting unpleasant as the day wears on. Admittedly, because the donuts and bagels disappeared so quickly, and were largely odor-free, we did not take this eventuality into account with regard to Quinoa-Kale Salad Fridays.

We’ve also received some complaints that the Quinoa-Kale Salad contains feta cheese, which is not suitable for our vegan friends.

We’ve also received feedback that Quinoa-Kale Salad “sucks,” especially compared to donuts.

The Quinoa-Kale Salad Friday Improvement Exploration Committee has not come up with a solution that will please all parties, so I’ve made the executive decision to revert all the way back to Donut Fridays in their original form… alone… in my car.

Also, I’ll be resigning as CEO. Thank you for the 15 wonderful years that preceded these last 3 months. Best of luck with all your future endeavors.

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