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The Break Room: Jobs You Shouldn’t Apply For … Experienced Generalist

The only experience you need is being kind of good at a bunch of different things (or pretending you are).

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This satirical column is part of our series The Break Room. Each column takes a humorous look at an aspect of the workplace. All the characters and scenes are fictional.

Well, this is a bit awkward. We spent years assembling a crack team of specialists for every conceivable role in our company. We poured our time and energy into identifying and recruiting the cream of the crop, the best of the best in technology, product development, marketing, branding, sales, customer service, and HR. But we just watched a TED Talk on “generalists” and discovered that we’ve been doing it ALL WRONG!

See, the way companies thrive in this new era is not by hiring specific people who excel through experience and passion in a given field, but by hiring people who are just kind of good at a bunch of different things, and are just passionate about being here!

You know these people. They’re the ones giving lengthy life updates to their baristas while you’re behind them in line literally dying for your first cup of coffee. (Except flip-flop it so you’re the one giving the life update and some “expert” is the sucker behind you dying for caffeine.)

Bottom line: We’re looking for people who are light on expertise but heavy on enthusiasm!

After all, if you’re willing to work 14-hour days at half the salary of an employee who’s actually qualified to do the job, we’re sure you can figure most stuff out.

Of course, this isn’t a free-for-all. As we mentioned above, the right person does need to be kind of good at a bunch of different things. So here are some qualifications.

Bottom line: We’re looking for people who are light on expertise but heavy on enthusiasm!

Qualifications

  • Lots of energy
  • Familiarity with programs including Microsoft PowerPoint, Adobe Creative Suite, Salesforce, Google Search, and Copying and Pasting Screenshots
  • Ability to lead internal training courses on workplace harassment, implicit bias, and fire safety
  • Prior experience in marketing, graphic design, programming, criminal justice, and library science
  • Few (if any) strong opinions
  • No kids and no desire to become pregnant (Note from legal: We cannot say this! Please remove before posting!)
  • Can perform menial tasks such as scanning, photocopying, and shredding for hours (possibly days) on end without complaint
  • Ability to pick up sandwich platters for lunch meetings without the attitude 
  • Ability to play many roles, up to and including impersonating our CEO on quarterly earnings calls he “just can’t even handle right now”
  • Can wear many hats, up to and including a 10-gallon cowboy hat as you impersonate a billionaire Texas oilman who has a lot of interest in “getting in on the ground floor” of this exciting new opportunity (Note: Please practice saying, “The next black gold! Yeeee-haaww!” as you’ll be asked to do so convincingly during your interview)
  • Ability to lie motionless and undetected in tall grass for hours (possibly days) at a time

If you meet the qualifications listed above (or can convincingly pretend that you do) we encourage you to apply.

This is a perfect opportunity for someone who squandered their college education to capitalize on the latest trending social media topic!

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