workplace-humor

Jobs You Shouldn’t Apply For: Social Media Mercenary

Do you eat, sleep and weep social media? There’s a job for you …

This satirical column is part of our series The Break Room. Each column takes a humorous look at an aspect of the workplace. All the characters and scenes are fictional.

We had a social media guru, but he was too zen. Then we had a social media ninja, but she was too quiet. Finally, we hired a social media rockstar, but they rocked a little too hard at the company picnic.

What we need now is a Social Media Mercenary. Someone whose passion for our brand is matched only by their lust for blood. Not real blood, of course. We mean the sweet, sweet blood of brand loyalty, which you’ll draw from consumers as you track them relentlessly through the thick jungles of the social media landscape.

You eat, sleep, and breath social media. In your view, there’s no distinction between Friends and Followers. And IRL is totally overrated, as in OMG, SMH, #Lame.

Qualifications:

You eat, sleep, and breath social media. In your view, there’s no distinction between Friends and Followers. And IRL is totally overrated, as in OMG, SMH, #Lame.

You’re willing to do whatever it takes to push our company beyond the competition (and accept personal liability for the techniques used to do so).

You’re the first one in, and the last one out, and your team takes notice. (Note: This is boilerplate language we include in every job we post, creating a vicious atmosphere of oneupsmanship that has people arriving as early as 2:30am, and leaving as late as 2:30am).

You’re willing and able to take feedback and change directions on a dime. Around here, we make a lot of big-time decisions. Then we unmake them. Then, often, we make them again. Sometimes, we make them again even after telling you the decision to unmake them is definitely final and you should scrub any record of the project. If you can thrive in this atmosphere, you might just have what it takes to be part of our team.

social-media-manager

Education:

Around here we believe degrees are for thermometers. Our president worked his way up all the way from the mailroom. Our brand evangelists are former televangelists. And our CFO is a contractor we hired to paint the bathrooms last fall.

Your co-workers will become your best friends. Because they never go home, and neither will you.

What You Get:

Amazing culture: Your co-workers will become your best friends. Because they never go home, and neither will you.

Frequent advancement opportunities: As mentioned above, no one here is traditionally “qualified” to do what they do; we succeed through heart, passion, and lax workplace policies.

“Competitive” pay lol**

Work in the heart of the city, just 30 miles east of downtown in the I-76 Corridor OfficePlex.

Nausea; Anxiety; Early-Onset Hair Loss

How to Apply:

If you meet all of the above qualifications, send us your resume, cover letter, up to 47 but no fewer than 24 work samples, five letters of reference, a nice treat like cookies or flowers, and your unexpired passport***.

**Sorry, we meant to delete the quotation marks, and the lol 

***Don’t worry, we’ll totally get it back to you ASAP

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