The Break Room: Things I Know About You After You Shared Your Screen in Our Meeting Today

Well, this meeting has been a real eye-opener. Not so much because of the actual report you presented, but because of everything else you’ve displayed. Here are all the things we learned about you after you failed to close any of your browser tabs or apps before sharing your screen with everyone.

You have several Google hangout conversations going on. I saw messages flashing up from Hannah, Malik, and someone named “Ice Tray”?

Your browser tabs reveal that you are managing a fantasy team, taking the Gordon Ramsay Masterclass, and reading a long-form piece on the under-appreciated secret genius of Nicolas Cage.

You are shopping for DJ gear. Perhaps from Ice Tray.

You are selling a mountain bike on Craigslist. Perhaps to Ice Tray?

When you accidentally clicked over to another report I gave you to edit over a week ago, it was clear you had yet to do any editing at all. It’s just sitting there open in a tab as it likely has been since I sent it to you.

You have an email with the subject line “RE: Stupid Tara strikes again …” which we really hope is not about the Tara who is here with us in the room.

You have, however, been working on your medieval erotic fantasy epic, Dragons of Allure (despite the fact that the company could technically claim ownership of the book since you’ve written it on company time and on a work-issued computer — although we’re pretty sure this book will never be published, much less sold for any kind of profit).

You have an email with the subject line “RE: Stupid Tara strikes again …” which we really hope is not about the Tara who is here with us in the room.

You are looking for other jobs on Glassdoor.

You are looking for other jobs on LinkedIn.

You are looking for other jobs on … ZipRecruiter? Really? Have things gotten that desperate?

You have a search open on WebMD for “chafage” and one on Amazon for “ointments.”

You have a playlist going on Spotify called “Rod Stewart Deep Cuts.”

And finally, of course, there was your actual presentation, which I’d describe as … underwhelming. And while I wish you luck in your pursuit of becoming a Chef/DJ/Fantasy Novelist, and really hope that chafage clears up soon, we’d love if you could beef up this report for next week’s regroup.